Black Hat is Tall, Dark and Handsome
by julysunicorn
Summary: demencia finally had a date with her "dreamy" boss, but it didn't go anything like she planned. luckily, flug is right there to listen. warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1: how it all began

i... i have no words. happy belated halloween.

WARNING: m rating is for gore and cannibalism.

black hat is tall, dark and handsome

chapter one: how it all began

dr. flugzeuig's alarm clock went off and he dragged himself out of bed just like any other depressing day in the rathole that had become his life.

after getting dressed he poured coffee for himself and saw his bear experiment (or as his coworkers called him, bearxperiment) 5.0.5. sitting in his high chair at the breakfast nook, eating kix. the gigantic and pudgy blue bear waved to his creator and burbled a good morning.

"good morning 5.0.5" said flug and he smiled warmly under his cold paper bag, even though he had never been a fan of kix. in fact, he hated it. 5.0.5. was the only thing that made his life worth living. he was like a dog and son, rolled into one soft and fuzzy being. all the depression and monotony that engulfed flug's days were washed away simply by being around 5.0.5. which only made him more upset that his boss, black hat, still intended to euthanize the blue ursa major as soon as possible. thankfully flug had managed to stop the attempts.

after getting some buttered tost flug went to demencia's pit to feed her. some of black hat's other undlerings had captured static shock in the middle of a thunderstorm (quite a feat! though despite their efforts they weren't getting any raises, and they could forget about christmas bonuses) and thrown him in a cage for demencia to dine upon . they slowly lowered virgil down into the pit, surrounded by deranged doodles of black hat in all sorts of nswf positions.

"h-hey! whaddya think you're doing?! let me out of here right now, you jerks!" static demanded as he descended.

"oh, stop being so selfish!" flug snapped from a lifetime of being trapped in this place. "you dying means that somebody won't go hungry! you want to live? _you're_ the jerk!"

static's expression went blank before he disappeared. "... that's ridiculous."

out of sight, everything was quiet for a moment before horrid shrieking came up from the pit. "AAHH! NO! NO! PLEASE! OH HEAVENS ABOVE! IT'S HORRIBLE! AAAHHHH! SAVE ME! GET IT AWAY! AAHHH!"

flug was used to heroes screeching in pain and horror for a little bit after dropping them in demecnia's pit, but this time, static never stopped screaming. flug looked to one of the technicians. "bring him up." he ordered.

the tech pulled up on a nearby lever and static was lifted up out of the pit, the cage intact... just like static. no saliva, no blood, no flesh and organs spilled across the floor of the cage like that one time demencia pranked flug by half-eating fanboy silently, prompting flug to pull up the cage to see what was wrong only to find fanboy guts all over the place, which put him off solid food for a week. but this time was diefferent.

"sir? are you hurt?" asked flug over the intercom.

"n-n-n-n-no..." stuttered static.

"... so then, why were you screaming?"

static snapped his head to look at flug. "THE DRAWINGS! THE AWFUL DRAWINGS!"

"what about demencia? wasn't she interested in you?" flug prodded.

static didn't answer, he was too farg one. flug sighed and instructed the others to brainwash him to become another tech, then suited up to venture into demencia's pit himself to find out what was wrong.

sliding down a grappling hook, flug reached the floor of the pit and looked around. he saw the scratchy sketches of his boss, more of his boss than he ever wanted to see, how the heck did demecnia even know what he had goin' on down there, and he puked a little in his mouth. however, he soon spotted the lizardlike woman huddled in the far corner, facing the corner.

"... demencia?" flug asked, slowly approaching. "you feeling okay?"

"... go away." she uttered, much more subdued than normal.

unnerved, flug continued. "i need to know if you're sick, demencia. or are you just not hungry for something live? i can get you some kix if you want."

she lowered her head. "... my life is over, flug."

okay, this was really weird. one, diemencia was always in a sick-but-chipper mood. two, she was never so neutral to him. if she were upset, she would've sunk her teeth into his neck by now like some kinda freakin' vampire, and he knew this because it had happened before, and he had the scars to prove it. something was really, really wrong.

"demencia?" flug said softly, and against his better judgment he knelt down beside her. "is something wrong?"

"NO DUH SOMETHING'S WRONG!" she shouted in his ear, making him flinch and expect another chunk to be bitten out of him, but it didn't happen. instead, she just sighed and lowered her head again. "... sorry."

now _this_ was seriously out of character. recovering from the assault on his aural senses, flug looked to her with concern. "it's... okay... but why are you acting like this? you're normally bouncing off the walls."

she said something so quiet he almost couldn't hear her. "i don't want to look at the walls right now."

flug looked around at the mature drawings encircling them. _why wouldn't she? she drew them, she's the one who wants in the boss' pants. not me. no sir. no way in-_

plip. louder than demencia's own words, a tear had fallen from her eye and dropped on the floor before her sneakers.

"demencia?!" flug said scared. this wasn't like her at all, and he didn't like it. "c'mon, tell me what's wrong! i won't tell a single soul if you don't want me to - just tell me why you're so upset!"

then, her shoulders began shaking and she bawled against the wall. "I FINALLY GOT TO ASK THE BOSS OUT ON A DATE LAST NIGHT... AND IT DIDN'T GO ANYTHING LIKE I'D IMAGINED!"

_that's it? _thought flug. _she shouldn't be surprised, he's like the most evil guy on the planet, of course he's not husband material._ but flug was a kind soul and attempted to comfort demencia any way he could. 5.0.5. had melted the cold ice around his heart and made flowers grow across that wasteland of his atriums and ventricles. just like the one on his head (5.0.5.'s).

"i'm... very sorry to hear that," flug finally said. "i know you've had a crush on him for like, as long as i can remember."

"IT WAS MORE THAN A CRUSH," demencia wailed. "IT WAS LOVE!"

"right," said flug. "well, um... do you want to tell me how it went? maybe you'll feel better if you talk to someone about it."

"i doubt it..." demencia said, "but... i can try."

* * *

EARLIER THAT WEEK

black hat got out of bed, silently throwing on his robe and making his way to the bathroom. unlike his lackeys, he enjoyed his unchanging daily routine. one could say it comforted him, but comfort knew not the dark and decrepit halls of black hat's mind. in fact, comfort probably would've died upon entering.

black hat lughed at the image of comfort curling up and becoming a desiccated corpse in his own brain as he showered in broken glass. after that he got dressed and started his day. first he had to go have a "talk" with flug about the bear problem.

black hat stormed into demencia's pit room just after the techs dropped beaft boy from the teen titans down for her to devour. the screams had just died down when black hat threw open the door to the control room, elephant gun in hand and menacing exprassion on his face.

"FLUG!" he shouted, "WHERE IS THAT HEAVYSET BEAR YOU CONTINUE TO TOTE AROUND MY ISLAND?!"

flug looked to the door calmly - he was used to his boss shouting by this point - but jumped in fear when he saw the gun. "boss?! wh-wh-what're you planning to do with that thing?!"

"i'm planning on serving your azure compatriot up to demencia, with _this_ as an apple in his gullet!"

flug originally thought his boss was going to shoot _him,_ so he calmed down. "oh, okay, that's a relief- WAIT!" black at's words had caught up to him and he fell to his knees. "please, sir! 5.0.5. is my pride and joy! you can't shoot him!"

"DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" black hat retorted as his face contorted in fury. "THIS IS MY ISLAND, I CAN KILL WHOMEVER I DESIRE!"

meanwhile, in the pit, demencia was munching on beast boy. he had transformed several times in an effort to ward her off but ultimately succumbed to her, thankfully in the form of a chicken, so she got to enjoy some poultry. as soon as she heard her boss, she jumped to her feet, dead chicken hanging from her mouth.

"oh, yoo-hoo~!" she called. "lorf black hat sir~~~"

her voice like nails down a blackboard, black hat twisted his neck to look in the direction of her carrying on, a motion that would've snapped the neck of anyone else, but black hat wasn't human (and hadn't been for a good portion of his life) so he was fine. however, he now had something worse grating on him.

he and flug walked to the edge of demencias pit and looked down. the young woman had a crazed look in her eye but thought she was being seductive. it made black hat's stomach twist in disgust and the feeling reached his face.

"demencia, finish your breakfast!" flug called down, "or i'll-" he was about to threaten to put the shock collar back on, but remembered that the sick fangirl _enjoyed_ it, and shut his mouth.

"pipe down, baghead! i just wanted to say good morning to _black hat _here," demencia called up.

hearing his name chortled by her made black cat's blood boil, and he sneered down at her. "do not pay me any mind, else i'll skin you alive and use your epidermis as my new coat!"

"sounds hot," she said, and they could tell she meant it. "aww, it's so sweet you want to feel my skin that bad. all you had to do was _ask,_ you know."

the boss seemingly paled in disgust, then turned on his heel and made for the door. "we will discuss the matter of your bear-thing at a later time, dr. flug," he said, rushed, before leaving the room.

"huh. thanks, i guess, demencia?" flug said, turning to her then screaming as she lunged for his face, blaming him for their boss leaving prematurely.

black hat walked briskly to his office, trying to shake off the vile feeling demencia gave him. no, it certainly wasn't love - it was repulsion. as the world's most evil and business-savvy villain, black hat had no need for love. it was of no use to him, not only because it would've been a distraction to his work, but also for his complete and utter lack of genitals.

for years, he had trained himself not to give in to such desires and not see anyone as attractive in any way, but when he first met flug, the doctor's bare face was one of the most handsome in the world - handsome enough to get black hat's motor revving. startled by this change in his conduct, he removed those fleshy appendages immediately, so his pituitary gland was no longer sending signals to his testicles to release testosterone or sperm cells or anything of the nature, and ordered flug to wear a paper bag on his head for the rest of his life so as to never run the chance of stirring any more romantic feelings in his boss. but despite the physical impossibility of ever reciprocating demencia's feelings or ever needing to feel them, her advances always gave black hat a bad case of indigestion.

which was impressive considering he hadn't even had breakfast yet.

* * *

back in the pit, demencia was picking feathers out of her teeth (those little ones get everywhere, tiny buggers) and thinking about her boss, and also the crush she had on her boss. she'd lived on this island for five years now and she had always loved him, and he had always pushed her away. but this game couldn't go on forever. she had waited and waited for him to finally sweep her off her feet, marry her, and make tons of evil babies with her (in no particular order) but if he wasnt' going to make the first move, she had to.

"maybe he's shy?" she thought aloud, then remembered the time he blew up a warehouse when he needed only one part to fix the company van but they weren't answering their phone calls. "nah, he ain't shy, that's for sure, and i could slap myself for even thinking it."

she planned on climbing up the wall of her pit, but the techs had coated the walls with bacon grease after she attacked flug a few minutes earlier. she racked her brain to come up with a plan, and her eyes found the massive amount of feathers she had discarded on the floor. a wicked smile crossed her face.

scooping up handfuls of grease, demencia stuck the feathers to her arms to make wings. but the grease was still slippery. to set the grease, she turned her back to the searing fluorescent lights above, which fried the grease to the point where it solidified instead of melted. it also cooked her skin, but that didn't much bother her. once her wings were set, she flapped out of the pit and carefully looked out to find the only tech sleeping at the controls. she smiled like the grinch and scuttled out of the room faster than a gecko on her way to lick up some honey, her wings cooling and melting off soon after leaving.

passing by numerous testing chambers, storage rooms, broom closets, and one bakery, she reached black hat's office. she opened the door just a crack, and peeked inside.

black hat was hatting it up in front of the fireplace, sitting in a big comfy chair and glaring into the flames. the phonograph beside him was playing jonathan coulton's skullcrusher mountain. after a few minutes, he managed to relax to the point where he bopped his head to the beat. it was now that demencia thought would be a good time to enter.

she crept in and closed the door carefully behind her, and tiptoed to his chair. he was now mouthing the words to the song as he focused on the fire. demencia stood behind the chair, giggling quietly, then quickly clapped her hands over his eyes.

"guess who!"

immediately, black hat screamed in shock and grabbed her wrists, squeezing down on them until a sickening popping was heard. she screamed in pain and yanked her hands back as soon as he let go. he stood and whipped around to look at her, incensed.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, COMING INTO MY OFFICE UNINVITED?!" he demanded. "AND WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE BACON?!"

"YOU DISLOCATED MY WRISTS!" demencia cried, her hands off center by at least an inch on each arm.

black hat grabbed her chin. "ANSWER ME!"

any normal woman would've realized at this moment that black hat was not someone with whom to be infatuated. no, wait, any normal woman _never would've_ become infatuated with him in the first place. but demencia was neither normal nor a woman, and instead thought the grappling was an affectionate gesture.

seeing the expression on her face, black hat recoiled and threw her aside, shuddering. upon hitting the floor, she only laughed. "rough love, eh~?"

"DO NOT START THAT WITH ME!" he shouted, then pointed to the door. "OUT OF MY OFFICE AT ONCE, HARLOT!"

demencia sprung up from the floor to start caressing her boss, tracing his oddly-circular jawline, much to his horror. "aw, no need to keep up appearances in here, sweetie. we're away from prying eyes and can behave any way we want."

she then dislocated her femur to reach up and unbuckle her boss' belt with her foot, causing him to scream at the action and her foot and how she was doing it with her foot and how dirty her foot was and push her away. her ass hit the floor but all she did was make a fake tiger "rawr" at him.

he held his cane threateningly to ward her off. "ms. demencia, i order you to crawl back into that filthy pit you call a home at once!"

"only if you come with me~"

"UGH" black hat stomped his foot then transformed into a more fearsome version of himself, with a gigantic chest and long, sharp claws, and he grew hair all over like a werewolf. this, finally, made demencia sit in shocked silence. "YOU HAVE DISTURBED ME WITH YOUR WRETCHED FANTASIES FOR THE LAST TIME, DEMENCIA! HAVE I NOT MADE MYSELF CLEAR?! I DO NOT RECIPROCATE YOUR ATROCIOUS AMOROUS ADVANCES!"

"you... you don't?"

"NO!" he bellowed. "AND I NEVER WILL!"

suddenly, her face changed. no more was the crazily gleeful smile, it was replaced with sad, dull eyes, and a mouth agape in confusion. then, came the tears and annoying crying. black hat sighed in irritation, pressing a button on his cane to turn it into an umbrella.

"DARN IT, DEMENCIA, YOU'RE STAINING MY CARPET!" he said.

suddenly, she leapt to her feet and grabbed his collar, glaring into him. "I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!"

"I WILL NEVER DO SUCH A THING!" he shouted back, angry at her brazen behavior.

"WELL, TOO BAD, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH ME, THEN!" demencia said haughtily, as if he couldn't just kill her and throw her in a river or something. which he considered, but it wouldn't have been the way to go about things. not this time.

"ALRIGHT THEN, DEMENCIA." he said, changing back into his normal form. "i have a proposal for you."

demencia's eyes went wide. "already?! we haven't even gone on the first date, but yes!"

"NO!" he snapped. "i am _talking_ about a first date. you and i go on one date, _one,_ and after that, no more of this foolishness. how does that sound?"

demencia rolled it over in her head. on one hand, she could have just one tender night with black hat, but that would be it, but on the other, she would probably only be admiring him from afar for the rest of her days.

"... can i pick the restaurant?" she asked.

"sure, fine, whatever," he said, just wanting to get this conversation over with.

"... will you foot the bill?"

"JUST MAKE A CHOICE ALREADY!"

"then my choice is _yes!_" she said, hugging him tightly and looking up with a smile.

he turned his head away, grimacing, and began to pry her off with his fingertips. "great, excellent, it will be this friday, then i never want to see you drooling over me again. and i want those awful drawings of me painted over in your pit. they make me uncomfortable."

"so long as i get to see the real thing!" she teased, and bounced out of his office like a kangaroo on a sugar rush.

shaking, black hat leaned against the back of the chair, feeling extremely unclean. he extinguished the fire and made for the nearest pit of sharp recyclables.

END OF CHAPTER ONE~


	2. Chapter 2: how it all ended

chapter two: how it all ended

"wait, it seems painfully obvious to me that he was uncomfortable with your attention," flug pointed out, sitting because his legs were beginning to burn. "if you care about him so much, why'd you keep pushing yourself on him?"

"LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!" demencia snapped, glaring widly at him. "STOP INTERRUPTING!"

"... that was the only time i did..."

"ugh, anyway, back to the story..."

* * *

friday was finally upon hat island, bringing with it a mix of emotions. some people were ecstatic, some people were mortified, and others didn't care at all. but everyone could agree that demencia was on the extremely ecstatic side, and black hat was on the extremely mortified sied. as far apart as possible, just like in everything else they did.

demencia spent the entire day readying herself. she actually took a shower and brushed her teeth. considering what happened _last time,_ she was allowed a single tube of lipstick along with her mascara for makeup and nothing more. 5.0.5. helped her get dolled up and she found his makeup expertise invaluable. after that, dementcia pulled out from her "closet" (just a cleaner corner of her pit) five dresses, all of which she stole the last time she was in town. 5.0.5.'s advice was a little less helpful this time, as he picked out a navy blue dress with puff sleeves and white polka dots. it didn't look good on demencia at all and she wondered just why she had stolen it in the first place. not wanting to break his bear heart which he bore on his sleeve, she said that she would look much better in something else, but allowed him to keep the polka-dotted one because he liked it so much. demencia picked a black spaghetti-strapped dress that ended above the knee, and would've paired it with black kitten heels, but she wasn't allowed them.

"sheesh, i'd have an easier time getting my requests granted in the scp foundation," she muttered under her breath.

sending 5.0.5. on his merry way as he happily wore the polka-dotted dress (it was 90% spandex), demencia took a look at herself on a shiny panel of her pit. "smokin'! black hat can't possibly turn me away now - when he sees how pretty and dastardly i am, he'll see i'm worthy of his affections!"

* * *

at the same time, black hat was in his own quarters, tying his tie as he stared bleakly into the mirror. he had flug help him decide what to wear, though mostly he just wanted him around because his idiocy was a distraction from the impending events.

flug looked nosily around his boss' quarters from the sofa, then asked, "so, how long's it been since you were last on a date?"

black hat turned his head 180 degrees and barked, "that is none of your business!"

flug sank back, reminded that his boss was most definitely not his friend. "o-okay, okay! sorry, i d-didn't mean any disrespect, sir!"

black hat took a deep breath. "my apologies. i am very much on edge."

"i-i can see that," flug said, watching as his boss turned his head back around with a cracking sound.

black hat finished his tie, then said, "i have not been on a date like this since before i started the company, roughly 150 years ago."

"150 years? huh, that _has_ been a long while- WAIT WHAT?!"

"do not ask questions about my longevity, dr. flug."

"y-yes, sir."

lack hat gave one last look at himself in the mirror, then turned around. "how do i look?"

"spiffing!" said flug, giving two thumbs up. "but, uh, perhaps you could do something about your unearthly complexion-"  
"I WASN'T ACTUALLY ASKING YOU FOR ADVICE!"

"s-sorry, sir!"

after that, black hat threw on a white waistcoat and black petticoat, in that order, and put his dress shoes on (he was so flustered he forgot to put them on earlier). he went to pick out a pair of spats to put on and flug suggested he wear the lavender ones, but black hat snapped that he was going on a two-bit date, not to a piano recital. he picked the white ones.

when all was said and done black hat looked pretty classy in black and white. he replaced the band on his top hat with a white one to keep with the color scheme. finally, he was ready to go.

"dr. flug, i am leaving you in charge while i am away on this fool's errand," he said, striding to his door to usher the doctor out.

"r-really, sir?" flug asked, excited at this taste of power.

"yes," his boss said as he reached the doorway, "but it will only be for an hour. _do not get used to it,_" he hissed, and his snake-like tongue flicked at flug's paper bag.

flug shook, unnerved. "u-unders-stood."

the two walked to the front door, where demencia and 5.0.5. were standing. black hat was bothered enough by the former's presence, but he was puzzled by 5.0.5. "why is the bear in a dress?" he asked.

"he liked it," demencia said, then slunk over to her boss to cuddle sleazily to his chest, "but i like how _you_ look a lot more."

black hat shuddered, pushing her away with his cane. "you are only to touch me if i apporve of it," he tried to snap, but was too upset.

demencia pouted, but stepped away.

the two walked out the door, leaving flug and 5.0.5. to wave to them. "have a good time! don't get mugged!" the doctor called.

"no one dares mug black hat," his boss growled.

demencia, on the other hand, wrapped her arms around his, popping her foot. "don't wait up!"

flug closed the door just as black hat shouted, "NO TOUCHING!" and they could see him whack demencia away with his cane through the shade.

* * *

black hat considered himself a classy person (in case the clothes weren't clues enough). he preferred fine dining and had the means to afford an expensive dinner.

which is why demencia's dragging him to a cheap, greasy pizza joint was the most humiliating thing that had happened to him in the last century. at least they were the only patrons in the restaurant, and the staff seemed scared enough of them not to tell their friends and family that they were there.

angry, black hat sat in the hard, cold booth, staring down demencia as she scanned the menu. she didn't seem to notice his glare - or maybe she enjoyed the feeling of him boring into where her soul used to be. judging by her track record, it was probably the latter.

"here're your drinks," said the waiter, coming by to place two plastic water cups down for them, the tall mottled ones that often say "coca-cola" but the restaurant uses them for water or fanta too. black hat watched, disinterested, as the young man placed his water down on a coaster made of what appeared to be toilet paper. he'd asked for coffee, but the place didn't even serve it, so it was either water or soda, and black hat _hated_ anything sweet.

"don't mind if i do!" demencia said, taking her water glass and pouring it over her head to refresh herself, making the waiter jump. "much better!" she chirped, and the lemon from her water was poised perfectly in the center of her hair, like she was practicing wearing a fruit basket. her "date" didn't find it humorous.

"so, uh, are you two ready to order?" asked the waiter, nervous not only from the water incident, but the fact that it was his first day and he was serving two highly dangerous criminals. and he was working for minimum wage.

black hat rolled his eyes down to his menu, not tilting his head at all. what was the most innocuous item on the menu? "how is the prosciutto salad?"

"NO!" demencia shrieked, hurling herself across the table at her beloved, startling him (and the waiter). "THE HAM MIGHT NOT BE COOKED THOROUGHLY! YOU CAN'T TRUST THIS PLACE!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PICKED IT, AND THAT'S RICH COMING FROM THE BEAST WHO EATS PEOPLE RAW IN HER DIRTY PIT!" black hat snapped back.

the waiter looked from one to the other, shaking at the blase reference to cannibalism. but it worked, and demencia slumped back down into her seat. "well, we're at a pizzeria, so you should relax and order actual _pizza_ instead."

"YOU DARE TELL ME TO RELAX?!"

"THIS IS _MY_ SPECIAL NIGHT, DON'T RUIN IT FOR ME!"

black hat trembled with anger, but reminded himself that he only needed to get through this night. he crushed the menu in his grip, turning slowly to look at the waiter, pointing to the entry for single slices as he spoke through his sharp teeth. "_young man, i request a slice of your finest cheese pizza, delivered to this table immediately, and if i see even one fly baked into the crust, i will wrench your head off your shoulders as if i were picking an apple._"

the waiter sloppily wrote down the order as he hyperventilated. "y-you got it, sir! and for you, ma'am?"

demencia slammed her fists down on the table. "I DEMAND MEATBALL!"

"o-okay," the waiter said, reviewing the order, scared out of his wits. black hat wondered if he was related to flug. "one slice of cheese, one slice of meatball... a-anything else?"

"that will do-" black hat began, but demencia interrupted him.

"what kinda dessert ya got?" she asked, bright-eyed.

"WE WILL NOT BE HAVING DESSERT! WE WILL HAVE PIZZA AND THEN THE DATE IS OVER!" black hat shouted.

demencia threw herself over half the table again. "MAYBE _I_ WANT DESSERT! A GENTLEMAN SHOULD LET A LADY HAVE WHAT SHE WANTS!"

"I DON'T SEE ANY LADIES HERE!"

"u-um, i'll get you your pizza, and then you can see if you'll want dessert later?" the waiter suggested, trying to diffuse the situation. "it will, um, give you two more time to decide."

"that sounds great!" dimensia said happily as she slid back into her booth.

"i'll go get your slices," the waiter said hurriedly, practically running into the kitchen. black hat pinched the bridge of his nose, or at least where his nose _should've_ been, impatient for the night to end.

"so...~" demencia said, batting her eyelashes at him, "do you come here often~?"

he looked at her blankly. "no."

"well, maybe you should reconsider," she said, giving a deranged, relaxed grin. "it's nice to see a _handsome stud_ in this SEA OF LOSERS," she suddenly raised her voice, gesturing her arm across the sea of empty tables.

"mm-hm," black hat said, glaring at her before getting up from the table. "excuse me while i plant a hissing tarantula in the toilet."

"hurry back, sweetheart!" demencia called, not even registering his shoulders tensing at her words. when he ducked inside the restroom, she fell onto her elbows, sighing dreamily. "well, demencia, your momma told you all about this day. 'dede,' she said, 'someday, you'll meet a handsome man who treats you like royalty, and you'll be the center of his world, and he yours. he'll take you out to a nice restaurant and the two of you will be happy forever and ever.' and then i burned down the house, because i wanted to." demencia sighed again, still happy. "i know you're proud of me, momma. and i'll name my eldest daughter's middle name after you."

black hat returned to the table, still glum. in the time he was away and demencia was monologuing, a family of four had entered the restaurant and took the booth right behind theirs.

demencia looked into her love interest's eyes. "did you think of me while you were in there~?"

the family overheard and looked at them in confusion. black hat stared at demencia for a few moments before getting up again. "pardon me. i forgot to add the bees." he walked into the restroom again.

after adding not bees, but deadly hornets to the bathroom to calm himself, black hat returned to the table just as the waiter came by with their pizza. "enjoy!" he said, before dashing back into the kitchen.

black hat studied his pizza slice for a moment. no flies, at least, but there were a few peaks in the dough where it was obvious one had been plucked before baking. good enough, he wasn't in the mood to kill the entire kitchen staff, anyway, even if the pizza smelled dreadful. curious, he went to pick it up, but upon touching the slice, his glove became soaked through with grease, staining it a putrid orange color. he gasped. that stain would never come out!

grumbling swear words in twenty-six different languages, he took off both his gloves and went to _touch_ the foul food. upon lifting the slice from his plate, black hat saw it had the consistency of a waterlogged paper towel.

suddenly, a shriek rang out from the bathroom - it was the daughter of the family sitting behind them. she hurried back out to grab her mother, whispering fervently about something. after her mother entered the restroom to see if what her daughter told her was true, the whole restaurant could hear her scream from behind the door, "OH MY LORD! BEES!"

"THEY ARE _NOT_ BEES!" black hat yelled back, "THEY ARE _HORNETS!_"

while he was turned away, his slice of pizza sagged sadly in the air before pulling apart, the crust staying in his hand as the rest fell back onto the plate with a wet plop, sending a splatter of grease across his fine clothes. black hat turned back around, and froze. his white waistcoat was now permanently dotted with sickly orange flecks.

he breathed heavily in his booth, fists clenched. this shouldn't be happening. not to _him,_ black hat, world's greatest supervillain. no... this was _humiliating._ _he was allowing himself to be humiliated by a glorified fangirl in dinosaur pajamas._

"aw, somebody looks angry," demencia cooed from across the table. "i know something that'll make it better... you still hungry? come 'ere and i'll give ya some sugar, hot stuff."

that was it. the straw that broke the evil camel's back. black hat rolled his eyes up to look at demencia, who was beaming at him. maybe... yes. this was the answer.

"demencia..." black hat said slowly, "you have been under my employ for five years, and not once have your affections been directed toward anyone but myself. it is time i repay you for that." he gave a wide, sharp grin. "and you're right, i am hungry... and so i am going to eat your face."

"really?!" demencia said, excited. "about time!"

then, black hat shot across the table, and bit off the front of demencia's head. the staff and family screamed in terror as he devoured her in the middle of the restaurant, wiped his mouth off with his handkerchief, and proudly proclaimed, "check, please!"

* * *

"wait, _what?!_" flug said, his eyes going wide. "the boss _ate you?!_"

"uh-huh," demencia said, nodding gravely.

"but... but you're still here! in one piece, with no scars!" flug observed, scared, gesturing across demencia's body. "how did you survive that?!"

she turned to look at him. "... i didn't."

suddenly, her eyes went pitch black, and she smiled sickeningly... with giant, sharp teeth. flug fell backward as she morphed into a giant, pointier version of his boss. "look at you, trembling like a trapped rodent, dr. flug. i am surprised it took you this long to figure it all out!"

"l-l-lord black hat, sir!" flug squeaked, scared. "y-y-you _ate_ demencia?!"

"it was one way to get rid of her," black hat shrugged. "she had been on my nerves for a while. but, now that i think about it... i never got to have dessert, now, did i?"

flug didn't have a chance to scream before his boss bit off his head like a female praying mantis. this was also a strategic move, so that flug's paper bag wouldn't fall off if he tried to flee and then black hat would be subjected to his handsomeness again. the supervillain finished off flug's body before levitating out of the pit.

"now that that's taken care of," he said, grinning wickedly and adjusting his tie, "i believe it's time i finally take care of that bear."

THE END


End file.
